forget it
by Glitter Scribbles
Summary: Sirius didn't want him to remember, but Remus couldn't forget. RLSB, slash, oneshot.


It starts with a nightmare.

They are in their first year, and Remus wakes suddenly in the sixth week of school to find Sirius hiding under the covers. In Remus's bed. With Remus.

"Sirius…?" he whispers. A pale face peeks out from the sheets, dark hair mussed and gray eyes wide.

"Hi."

"Um…what are you doing in my bed?" he asks, shifting somewhat uncomfortably. Sure, Sirius is his friend, but…this is a bit odd.

"Had a bad dream," Sirius mumbles, ducking under the covers again.

"Oh," Remus says, not sure what to say because it was different when your mother comforted you after a nightmare. "Well…um…why did you pick my bed?"

"Had to."

"I thought you were better friends with James and Peter than me," he replies after a moment, sticking his head under the covers to join Sirius. He feels quite silly doing this but at least he can see his face, scared and shaken.

Sirius snorts. "Well, yeah. But James wouldn't get it, he's oblivious like that, you know? And Peter…well…he's Peter. So I came over here."

"All right," Remus says, pulling out from under the covers and gesturing to the pillow. "Come on. I want to go back to sleep." He lies down and to his surprise, when Sirius appears, he latches onto the other boy and buries his head in his neck as if that will protect him. "S-Sirius?"

"Sorry," he mutters, but doesn't move. "I'm cold."

"Do you want to talk about the dream?" he asks, his voice soft. The black-haired boy stiffens.

"No," he says firmly. "Forget it."

"Alright," Remus breathes uncertainly. "Good night, Sirius," and he settles into the bed, closer to the pureblood than he thinks he should be.

00000

_Forget it._

As usual, that just makes the second-year want to remember it all the more. Remus hasn't forgotten the desperate words uttered at three in the morning, but he hasn't mentioned them either. It would be remembering.

Sirius shakes him and shouts at him that how could he be so stupid, how could he think they would leave him, _I'm your friend Remus_. He accepts the three of them, he lets them reassure him of what is to come.

"We'll become Animagi, just for you," Sirius tells him cheerfully. "I dunno how we'll do it, really, but we will."

Remus feels it sweetening on his tongue and can't resist asking "Why?" The black-haired boy grins at him.

"Because. You're our friend."

"Thank you," Remus smiles.

"Forget it."

00000

"R-R-Remus?"

The voice is soft, shaky, but it's enough to wake him up. He rubs a hand over his face and blinks at the face peering through his bed hangings.

"Hello, Sirius," he says, and he doesn't ask why he's woken him up because he probably knows. Sirius fidgets and a shaft of moonlight falls across his face; his cheeks are flushed, his eyes red.

"Had a bad dream 'gain," the pureblood whispers to him, looking at his feet. He hiccups. Remus suspects he's been crying.

"Come on, then." Sirius flings himself upon him with a choked, sobbing sort of noise, and Remus's arms come around him, feeling the third-year's body shake.

"What's wrong?

"I'm a real—_hic_—idiot, Remus," Sirius chokes. Remus doesn't know what to do so his fingers fall on one of the boy's aristocratic cheekbones, and he doesn't protest. "I…" He closes his eyes. "_James,_" he mutters finally, as if that explains everything.

"I see," Remus whispers to his hair, and he does, because Remus sees everything—the slight changes in his eyes when James talks about Lily, the subtle twitches in his hands when James sits too close. Something flickers in the werewolf's stomach, almost like something has dropped, but he can't understand it.

Sirius gives a shuddering breath. "Fix it. Please—_hic_—fix it. You can fix everything else so _please_, just fix me. I can't be this."

"I would if I knew how," Remus tells him, "believe me, I would."

Sirius clutches at his shirt and closes his eyes and shakes his head. "Forget it in the morning. I don't want to remember this."

And Remus stays awake long after Sirius has fallen asleep.

00000

"It'll be alright, won't it?" Remus asks one day, splayed across the couch in the near-empty common room and staring at the ceiling. Sirius glances at him, and then at James, and sighs.

"Dunno, mate. Don't think anyone knows."

Remus frowns. "Bit pessimistic for you, Sirius," he says. Sirius shrugs and stands up.

"I'm going to bed." When he goes to the stairs, Remus follows, and catches his wrist halfway up. Sirius stops, glancing at the werewolf with annoyance in his eyes.

"It'll be alright."

Sirius sags against him, into the hug, and sighs again. "Forget it."

"What if I don't want to?" he asks, his first protest. Only protest. Sirius turns away.

"Just do it."

00000

Things are strange, and everyone knows it, but not everyone is sure why.

Sirius can't meet Remus's eyes and in turn Remus can't meet Sirius's eyes and James can't meet anyone's eyes because he's got no idea why the tension is so thick and Peter is standing on the sidelines looking at everyone not looking at each other.

Finally they go up to bed, and Sirius settles next to Remus without question. It had been a whispered _I'm scared of the dreams_ a few days ago, but that wasn't why they couldn't look at each other by day.

It is just that when Remus is comfortable, Sirius will get too close. His mouth is too close to his neck, a hair's width from his skin, and he skims over the pale flesh until he gets to his mouth, and then he kisses him. It's wrong, they both know, but they do it anyway.

Remus sighs to Sirius's jawbone and draws his teeth over the fifth-year's earlobe. "I need you," he whispers, a secret, a secret that both of them know but only one in the right context.

Sirius takes his pants off, which wasn't what he meant at all, but he takes what he can get. And when it is almost over and Sirius shudders underneath him, the word _James_ escapes his lips, and Remus stops abruptly. This has happened before but never like this, never so hard to ignore.

Sirius slips out of his bed and walks away. He doesn't bother to say "Forget it," because he knows he will.

Remus doesn't.

00000

"I'm sorry, you know," Sirius tells him months later. Remus glances up from his book, eyes wary.

"What for?" His voice is too level, and he knows Sirius suspects he already knows. He hopes it's for the slip-of-the-tongue, but maybe it wasn't, maybe he was just someone to sleep with.

"Everything."

Remus sighs. He shouldn't have expected anything else. Sirius is too proud to actually admit what he's sorry for, what he's done wrong. So he's surprised when Sirius leaps out of the tree and drops beside Remus, a strange look in his gray eyes.

"I don't think I love James anymore," he informs him. Remus's breath catches in his throat.

"Oh?"

"I think I love you," Sirius says bluntly, and kisses his mouth. He stops when Remus doesn't respond.

"I guess you want me to forget this, too?" the werewolf asks, his voice cracking.

"No."

So he doesn't.


End file.
